Psychiatry is well known for cutting edge technology such as, er.cutting heads, hammering ice picks into the interest rate socket, wiring the visit the mains and mass drug dependency, as well as startling discoveries such as the fact that everybody is and, more importantly, always will be mentally not well.
Its is renowned too for its successes maintaining people quiet, finding good homes for taxpayer dollars, avoiding prosecution and helping pharmaceutical sales to skyrocket, not to mention advances that have seen alternatives . mental health recoveries soar to (and I not have the exact figures) almost one in particular.
Moreover, another set of statistics have emerged to attest to the success of psychiatry: the connected with mental illnesses discovered by groups of psychiatric researchers painstakingly tossing ideas around and dreaming up scientific names has shown a proper rise, reaching the magical ten thousand mark only last month with the invention of OSD (Odd Sock Disorder - the tendency to wear socks don't match).
Detractors of course are fond of pointing to employing of deaths and mental breakdowns of men and women in psychiatric care but such hysterical aspersions are in order to understand dismiss as those deaths can be statistically proven end up being of people who will have died eventually anyway. Besides, critics of psychiatry have been located - for irrefutable evidence, see the minutes of our last national conference - to be suffering from COP (Criticizing of Psychiatry Disorder) or Prooforexia (an obsession with introducing science into mental health).
As to office space who went from being a bit down to completely insane under understand what we are ministrations of their psychiatrist, well it is unfortunate that just about every case psychiatric treatment was started too far gone.
We have learned that infancy is simply too late in the day to start drugging people: the average toddler is already displaying signs of great mental illness, for poor coordination, falling over, incoherent speech, poor table manners or the lack of ability to perform simple tasks such as checking their emails or ironing a t-shirt. Couple this with the discovery that individuals are genetically not capable of functioning without help from medication (Egypt, Rome, the Renaissance and etc . were merely flukes) and we established the scientific simple fact that treatment must start at birth, and earlier, if all of us to prevent further epidemics of adults suffering from COP or Prooforexia, IVD (interest in Vegetables Disorder), IWD (Irritating Whistling Disorder), becoming nutritionists or human rights activists or writing sarcastic useful resources.
Be that for it may, I am pleased to announce yet another exciting technical breakthrough which comes courtesy of several minutes of painstaking research and then several years of adjusting test results (known quaintly each morning trade as 'doctoring') and which is destined to replace ECT (Electro Convulsive Torture) as our main means of engendering the 'malleability' of our patients.
The main issues with ECT is that it can be heavy relating to the electricity bills including a great deal funds has been, unfortunately, wasted trying to neutralize the criticisms of human rights activists, medical doctors and other crackpots and Prooforexia sufferers, through extensive, scientifically precise PR adventures.
I envisage no such storm of criticism and objection on 'human rights' grounds of the therapy for as much as six months: overall performance the distinct scientific advantage over ECT that no-one has yet heard than it and it are going to take COP sufferers months to wade together with scientific papers and search of, er..science, before they can prove there isn't any specific.
So we have months in which we can get cracking with the actual therapy in tranquility and in that time, if we are busy, thousands of patients can experience its benefits. I expect no complaints from said patients either because among the many unfortunate side effects (vastly outweighed together with benefits of brand new therapy) is that the patient exhibits permanent and irreversible amnesia - which, however think about it, is an issue and thus logically therefore a positive indication of the therapy's benefits.
The new therapy, by the way, goes under the url of FIT (Fist Impact Therapy) and will be the brainchild of Doctors Torquemada and Bipolar of the Joseph Mengele Institute at Guantanamo Bay.
Dr Bipolar tells the story:
'The discovery of FIT came quite by accident when, during a routine administration of ECT, a patient became resistive (RBDD - Resistance to Brain Damage Disorder) we all were having grave difficulty strapping him to the chair. It was while observing one of your nurses attempting to calm the patient down that my colleague, Dr Torquemada, noticed that a series of impacts to the head with a fist had much similar effect as ECT: the patient became docile and unable to remember that he previously been depressed - or indeed remember anything at the entire.
'Struck (no pun intended) by this similarity and the potential for saving on electricity, plus the deficiency of need to strap the patient down, we experimented further on the same patient and then a series of individuals.
'Various methods of punching the patient in the head were tried and the results carefully maintained. We tried various fist sizes, varied rate of recurrence and number of blows and then experimented with varying means of delivering the required kinetic energy to the cranium (baseball bats, bricks, large spoons from the kitchens, boots and so forth).
'The sad loss of several patients being a result unexpected side effects and hitherto undiagnosed PDD (Premature Death Disorder) led us to dispense utilizing the baseball bats, bricks and boots and we came after extensive research back towards the human knuckles for the best and safest ATKV (Agent of Therapeutic Kinetic Vectors).
'We were then able to establish probably the most advantageous points on the cranium to apply the aforementioned ATKV, the relative force and frequency required to duplicate the irreversible stupour and loss of contact with reality in which ECT been recently so notorious.
'We were by then very excited by associated with FIT. It had several positive aspects over ECT in that hot weather did not require a fancy looking machine with knobs, an electricity supply or restraint (one could simply stand the in the area and then hit him before he was expecting it).
'This produced, however one serious danger for the psychiatrist treating his patient with FIT: it stood a tendency to skin the knuckles and after time the arm becomes fed up with.
'From there we proceeded to invent the FIT machine: one simply turns a handle and takes its piston shoot back and forth. For the end of the piston is attached a block of wood illness size and shape of their human closed fist. One can adjust the scientific 'setting' on the device by varying the interest rate of turn of the handle and as a consequence the rapidity of impact to the cranium.
'Dr Torquemada and I naturally got a patent on our new therapeutic device (it has the benefit of being patentable and thus profitable, whereas the human fist isn't) have had a design company come up with some pretty sleek looking prototypes different knobs and flashing lights that serve the vital function of reassuring the that ben has in the safe hands of cutting-edge science. The machine costs $35 to fabricate and takes place sale in a month's time. Local health authorities turmoil over, keen to waste more taxpayer dollars - as well as more taxpayers - are very happy to shell out $25000 a throw hard as long as technique blame psychiatry if anything goes defective.'
One small problem still remains however: use from the FIT machine evidently still requires the patient to be restrained, as many people appear as resistive to being punched within the head as they quite simply were obtaining the aforementioned seat of consciousness wired up to the mains.
We psychiatrists have long since given up expecting gratitude for our efforts to render man incapable linked with.well, just incapable.
Besides it really is still drug 'em in the beginning.