Christmas is suspected, must be a communist plot. Because if something is calculated to turn even Ayn Rand-worship, free-market ideologues in the Marxist beard, hugging trees, should be the crush of holiday catalogs unwanted traffic ridiculous.
Take Brookstone, a provider of high-end devices such as hard to find towel warmers and wine aerators. Like its competitor, the Sharper Image, Brookstone apparently caters to people who have exhausted both the needs and desires, but have not quite reached the point where they are ready to heat the house throwing bricks of cash in fireplace.
Three years ago, the satirical newspaper The Onion published an article about a new Brookstone 'product' development, the alarm clock towel. See if you can guess which of the following items from Brookstone that false news story and which are real: The remote Toothbrush pillow video video pen stand mold selfish infrared beam sensor paper towel dispenser motor travel pillow candy dispenser activated by movement of the hammock digital voice recorder with automatic winding The watch winder bed 'fan' to blow cold air from the top and bottom sheets of the bed.
Answers ready? Okay, then: toothbrush, pie pan, a travel pillow, and a hammock came from the onion. The rest are real elements Brookstone.
The paper towel dispenser Cleancut, for example, uses two infrared sensors that allows you to cut paper towels to the exact size you need. Instantly!
This is great. Who among us has not tried to clean up a spill with a paper towel only to discover, often too late, said a towel is tragic and a little too big for the job, or a little too small? For only $ 149.95, the Cleancut ensures that you never have that annoying problem again.
Winding watch winder is also a stroke of genius. The idea behind a self-winding watch, of course, is that you never have to wind it. A little weight in view changes back and forth to close the watchspring every time you walk, gesture, or hit someone repeatedly in the face.
But there is an obvious problem: What happens if you are in a coma? After a few days or weeks, your clock will run down. So how can you know what time it is, smart guy? Clearly, you need a device to close your self-winding watch for you. Fortunately, Brookstone offers for only $ 99. His 'omni motor and timer to keep accurate watch and prevent accidental overloading, which is not only ideal for people in coma, but also swell for people with Tourette syndrome.
For those on a budget a bit tight, the Miles Kimball catalog offers a wide range of gifts that Alton Brown of Food Network called 'unitaskers' - such as a slicer stainless steel butter.
You can hear the words 'machine cut stainless steel butter' and 'knife.' Wrong! The version Miles Kimball is a specially designed rectangular contraption with wires equidistantly spaced position on a stick of butter and press down to submit multiple taps, uniforms Foop a swell. (In theory, it could cut straight bananas in a hurry. ) This space-age device saving labor has rescued the woman of today's cutting endless monotony butter pats one by one, so you can spend more of their power to please her man. Women's libber at home is tickled pink when they open this gift on Christmas morning!
Miles Kimball also offers custom garage mats, an incredibly large selection of plastic geese in funny costumes ('Motorcycle Geese,' 'Cowboy Style and geese,' 'Beach Vacation Geese') and a spray can cover that fits perfectly on the side of the toilet tank for Uncle Joe Bob can find the air freshener when he's done, uh, reading the newspaper. (And Uncle Joe Bob would love an infrared sensor beam toilet paper dispenser to dispense the exact amount of toilet paper! Brookstone If you only made one of those, too. ) If your uncle Joe Bob follicularly becomes disabled, then he can appreciate the point No. 86422 of the gifts you never knew existed catalog: a handkerchief with brown hair false. (If he used to be blonde, get the blonde version, item No. 86423.) While you're asking, you might as well pick it up flatulating stuffed elephant, a Terminator T-600 statue bobblehead, and an inflatable moose head . Heck, get two.
Gifts that never knew existed also offers, for $ 119, a desktop or wall-mounted clock that works like a surveillance camera motion-activated covert four gigabytes. Brookstone people must be kicking themselves for not thinking of it first.